UWS family suffers waterpark overexposure; father questioned

An Upper West Side family of four was rushed into emergency detox after being exposed to dangerously high levels of water and sunshine over a period of multiple months. According to police, the tragedy came to light when two children, ages 15 and 12, complained repeatedly about not being able to "just stay home and be on the computer." The wife corroborated their story, revealing that her husband had purchased family season passes to two waterparks, then forced them to go every weekend in order to "get their money's worth." "It's a tragic situation," said a spokesperson for the Computer Gaming Association." A Netflix official agreed: "No one should have to endure a horrible ordeal like this." The man could not be reached for comment, as he had reportedly fled with his family to an indoor waterpark resort in Wisconsin for the holidays.

World's largest wee-pad removed, officials say, but animals remain

The world's largest "wee pad," an absorbent piece of material upon which dogs urinate, has been removed from a Manhattan apartment after a full year of usage. The 5x7 pad, which was originally purchased as the family's living room rug, quickly became the urination spot of choice for Bailey and Kahlua, two Cocker Spaniels who share the home. "We liked the Arts & Crafts motif," said Kahlua, "and the fact that it looked expensive." Added Bailey: "We used it even when the regular wee pad was right there next to it." Efforts to discourage the pets from using it were met with panting and tail wags. In related news, the world's largest cat-scratch post, a leather club chair, will remain in the apartment for at least another year, according to the homeowners.

Naive family thought "old fashioned road trip might be fun"

A New York City family experienced a harrowing 1,300-mile car trip through three Red States, according to officials--all in the name of "adventure." "We thought it would be fun to be together in a small, enclosed space for 24 hours," said the wife who planned the round-trip to South Carolina. But the idyllic trip turned dark at the horrors they endured. "We had a four-hour stretch where the only thing we could get on the radio was Rush Limbaugh," said the father. "We were constantly surrounded by camouflage pick-ups with gun racks," said the wife. "And we were forced to eat at a Cracker Barrel surrounded by old people," added their two sons. A spokesperson for the Liberal Travel Association warned: "People think driving through America is all fun and games until they walk into a truck stop and innocently mention Obamacare. Then it becomes deadly serious."